I beg your pardon?

Mumbles... a headland on the southern coast of Wales, and also indistinct speech. I have trouble hearing things, particularly when I'm not wearing my glasses, but there's something about a mumble that makes me grumble.

You know that thing when you have to ask someone to repeat what they say? Once is permissible, twice is awkward, thrice appears to be rude and four times (because once, twice, thrice are the only words of their type and anything else is just picturesque) and you risk looking stupid.

There are a number of mumbles in popular music, and I love the alternative lyrics, or mondegreens... here goes.

REM's The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite

If you call Michael Stipe, is it because you've tried to wake her? Will he try to wake her? Is it Cheryl Baker, or is it Jamaica?

The true lyrics are "Call me when you try to wake her" which doesn't make much more sense than the alternatives. But for someone whose career peaked in the late 1980s, she has achieved infamy among those of us old enough to remember Bucks Fizz and the release of Automatic for the People.

Nirvana's Nevermind

I can't do any better than the wonderful Weird Al Jancovic - watch this and you'll know everything you need to (1.21). God bless Kurt.

Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze

James Marshall Hendrix, also of the 27 Club, headlined Woodstock and is The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's "greatest instrumentalist in the history of rock music". What you might not read on his bio but is common knowledge, he never asked us to excuse him while he "kissed this guy". It's the sky he was on about.

 Chic - Le Freak

Don't freak out, no farmyard animals were harmed in the making or performing of this song. It's "Le freak, c'est chic", not "c'est sheep". That would be absurd. "Le freak, c'est mouton" doesn't rhyme anyway.

Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer

Many of my generation had a thing for Jon Bon Jovi, and were quite happy with their lyrics for Livin' on a Prayer. After all, "it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not". Regrettably for my school peers, Jon wasn't actually singing those words - cue the broken hearts of 40-somethings everywhere.

Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire

I hadn't heard of this until recently, but it makes me laugh every time. According to some, this song is actually anti-learning disabilities, and Caleb and the boys are spreading the hate by singing "dyslexics on fire". See, that's made you chuckle, admit it.

Dire Straits - Money for Nothing

Their name suggests penury or trouble. There's no way these guys are going to stand you dinner. So please be aware it's chicks, and not chips that are for free.

The jury is out on Queen's One Vision. I'm pretty sure the lyrics are and always were meant to be "Gimme, gimme, gimme, fried chicken" but I guess I'll never know.

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