All breakages must be paid for

Breaking up is hard to do.

Realising it's time to leave is brutal... days, weeks, months even, of hanging on in there, hoping it will get better. Living through this process leaves you emotionally bruised and the collateral damage to self esteem is widespread, no matter how long you've known it's time to part ways.

You are entitled to grieve for any relationship and here's my take on the seven stages you're likely to go through, and suggestions on how to survive them. I like to call it the seven steps to salvation. 

Step 1 - WHY?

You'll tie yourself in knots wanting to determine why this has happened, and who's to blame? Welcome to irrationality. Anticipate continued over analysis of who said and did what and why, with the odd sprinkling of clarity - the first step is a boomerang of relief and disbelief.

It's usually at this stage you become boring, wanting to discuss the subject endlessly with anyone and everyone, obsessing about it and looking for some kind of endorsement to help you accept what's happened. This is also usually where you will kiss goodbye to the limited sleep you've enjoyed during the initial breakup.

Top Tip - use your time to complete small tasks that require little mindfullness: tidy a cupboard, cut down a tree or eat chocolate.

Step 2 - NOOOOO!

It can't be happening, my world has ended, my life is over. Step two is inevitably as painful as standing on a piece of Lego, disproportionate to the size of the problem. You'll experience unrealistic hope that things can be salvaged and will go back to the way they were. The smallest of tasks will seem insurmountable, and you'll probably feel like you're having an out-of-body experience. Disbelief will be your constant companion.

Top Tip - you need serotonin to create feelings of well being and happiness, and everyone knows there are two sure-fire ways of achieving this - eating chocolate and buying shoes. If you're having a really bad time, try both alternated in the same way paracetamol and ibuprofen can be taken to reduce a high fever.

Step 3 - I'LL DO ANYTHING

Here's where your self-respect is at risk. You'll convince yourself that the break up is all your fault and you will do anything to make it work. You're going to be illogical. Getting through this stage is like drug withdrawal, any resolve you've managed to muster will erode in the face of your belief you can make it better. You are not a pretzel, so don't contort yourself into one trying to be something you aren't - it's not maintainable and anyway, it takes at least two parties to screw things up. 

Top Tip - accept your part in the split and that you can't change anything on your own. If you still insist on embracing pretzels, Holland & Barrett do them in milk, dark and white chocolate versions.

Step 4 - Re-e-lapse

When the crowd say Bo Selecta. You may want to try again, but even if this were Ground Hog Day, there's no making it right. If it's over, it's over. Can you hear that triglyceride-riddled person of female orientation performing? Yep, she's singing. 

Top Tip - you need distracting and fast. Individually wrapped chocolates should help you through. If you decide to really spoil yourself and opt for Ferrero Rocher, you can further distract yourself by trying to recreate the shape from the wrapper: it's a good way to hide the evidence.

Step 5 - I hate you so much right now

Anger can be destructive, but equally it can be pretty bloody empowering. Step five is an opportunity to remember that you're important and deserve more, so much more. Just don't direct that anger at yourself. Step five brings good news - anger is a sign that your journey along the path is progressing nicely. You might need to take a pew here as you may be here for a while: you might even go back a couple of steps before continuing along the path. Seismic shift time.

Top Tip - this is an important stage, and should be marked as such. I recommend a box of Celebrations. If it's been a particularly acrimonious split, go for a tub.

Step 6 - Ummmm, okay?

You're now on to initial acceptance. You've come to the realisation that you have to accept it's over, even if you don't want to. Hold on tight to that tenuous recognition; you can stop trying to make it better now.

Top Tip - you need strength during step six so I would suggest you try for a Yorkie. I beg to differ, it is for girls.

Step 7 - Redirected Hope

You get to this stage and you just know it's going to be OK - you're suffused with the new belief that you're better off without the poison of the other party. The scales fall from your eyes and you elaborate on step 6 as you realise they weren't worth it, you couldn't do anything about it and anyway you don't need them.

Top Tip - it's a good time to reflect on the journey you've taken, and revisit those key stages. And who needs an excuse to eat chocolate anyway?

Each stage can take minutes, or even seconds, and be spread across days, months, or years. Anticipate relapses and accept that you're only human - it's OK.

But the best compensation, the thing that will heal you most, is watching from the sidelines when it all goes wrong for that other party. They're worse off without you. So sit comfortably, and enjoy the show.